I have a big knot inside my heart right now. Tons of feelings being pent up in it. Sometimes, I wish I could just express it easily. But I will never be able to find the right words to exactly describe how I feel. I'll be honest, I've contemplated suicide a lot these few days. I really feel like ending everything. I am not strong anymore. I have people telling me that I am strong, I will pull through all of the problems I've been facing all the while. I feel a tang of regret inside me, a big one. I just wished everybody would be nice to me with all these problems that I'm facing. The thought of expressing it to people just makes me feel very vulnerable. I've faced betrayal, and I've always found it hard to trust people. I really despise myself right now. I've always told myself that giving up are for losers only, but even now, I'd rather be a loser and just give up. I honestly miss my old self. I miss the times when I would be smiling and laughing a lot, always being the one who brings smiles to other people's lives. But now, I have people trying to bring smiles into my life, and I just keep turning it away. It's very difficult for me to smile or even laugh sincerely these days, everything is just too hard for me to cope. I've cried my heart out, and it wasn't only once. I've cried more than I could, countless number of times, but it just makes me feel even weaker and more vulnerable. I do realize that there are definitely people who are willing to hear me out, but its just that this heart of mine really needs time. It needs time to learn to open up to people once again. It needs time to be able to love my own self, and then love others. It needs all the time it has, it really needs. It's so hard to be able to love to feel happiness, cos I am definitely having my heart in zillions of pieces right now. If only I could open up freely. I do feel really lonely despite having tons of friends. I feel abandoned all the time. I've always thought that keeping myself busy would make me forget about everything, but apparently I've been proven wrong over and over again. I really am thinking of suicide right now, that I need to stop. After all, who am I?
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